i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
