If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
