you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
