This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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