sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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