barbara walters just said penis...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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