the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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