K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
