i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
