Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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