my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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