apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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