I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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