I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
