how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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