shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
