His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
