they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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