In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Enjoy the penises
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
