Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
