haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
