The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
