We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
