my room smells like sperm. sweet.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
