Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
