You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
