she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
