how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
