My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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