Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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