I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
