Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
