this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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