4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
