I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
