if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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