Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
