I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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