i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
