Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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