I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
