walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
