9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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