Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
