4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
