I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The beer is more important than you right now.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
