I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
50% drunk capacity currently
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
