He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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