as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
