That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
