he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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